A work-related assignment has had me living in Moscow for the better part of a year. Another American expat, who you may or may not be familiar with, is also currently enjoying the vodka and stuffed cabbage as well. But for one, Edward Snowden, the process of getting here wasn’t easy. First, he fled to China because he thought it would be safer there than in America, but he obviously hadn’t watched any Jackie Chan movies. Once the Chinese government asked him to join a co-ed karate team he took off for Russia thinking that was a better decision; when he arrived he was promptly given a babushka to wear and a ten year supply of leek soup. Mr. Bad Decisions then tried to apply for asylum in some South American countries because he heard Nickleback say that the girls come easy and the drugs come cheap. What he didn’t predict was their harsh application process which required not only a resume, but also a letter of recommendation and a 500-word essay about why he is the perfect man for asylum. Once I heard about the applications, through my stuffed cabbage network, I knew this guy wasn’t getting anywhere. I contacted him and told him he could stay with me because recently my girlfriend moved out and I had an empty room. BIG MISTAKE.
This guy is a complete idiot. We made a gentleman’s agreement to pay halves of the internet bill, but for some reason he said his accounts are frozen. I don’t have the fastest internet but he hogs all the bandwidth downloading full seasons of hit TV shows like “My Cat From Hell” and “Vegas”. I tell him to get off and he just tells me “I’ll give you a government secret for one more hour”. Never has he told me anything interesting. He just tell me boring government stuff about personal accounts and secret missions, but I don’t care about that, I want alien stuff. He still hasn’t paid his rent and now he has just started saying “I guess my accounts are SNOWDEN” as some kind of joke and I want to punch him in the face but I can’t because I want those alien secrets. I took him to the bar one night to get babes because, I don’t know if you have seen this guy but, he looks like a young serial killer and girls dig that. I made a plan to have him go up to hot chicks with a scripted ‘government secret’ dialogue – what happened instead was he walked up to the bar and the bouncer asked “Can I see your ID” and he ran away.
I guess there have been some upsides, though. His dad calls me everyday bribing me with money to have him come home and I just enjoy hearing his dad’s voice, he sounds like someone I could toss a baseball with. Also President Obama called me and was all “Hey dude can you give me Snowden?” and I said, “Can you hook me up with a private jet?” and he said, “No, but my daughter is 18″ and I told him that she wasn’t and he actually seemed surprised. He offered me his wife but the whole scenario didn’t sound very patriotic. I asked him for alien secrets and his phone got all choppy and I lost the call. Another cool thing I have been doing when Ed leaves his computer open is turning his screensaver into a photo shopped picture of him wetting his pants and I put the caption, “WE HAVE A LEAK”.
I thought I was going to have a cool roommate who would tell me alien secrets and be my wing man, but this has turned into the exact opposite. I don’t know how I am supposed to get my single-life grind on when I have this huge, wet babushka living in my house. He wears that damn babushka all the time, and sure we have a large supply of soup, but at what cost? I think I might tell him to leave soon, but only after I change his screen saver again.
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